This & That…

(1)” The hammer shatters glass, but forges steel,” as the saying goes.  Some people are like GLASS —— the hammer of circumstances breaks them in pieces.  Other people are like STEEL —— the hammer strikes, and instead of breaking them, forges them into new forms of strength and beauty.

(2) Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes HE HAS TO EAT THEM.

(3)  Arriving home, I was about to show my newly-permed hair.  Hearing my footsteps, my husband called out, “I’m going to tell you a joke that’s going to make your hair curl.”  he, then, turned around, took a look at me and added, “Oh, you’ve already heard it.”

(4) I’ll consider myself old : …… the day people find me BORING, said the mining engineer ——— …… the day my MEMORY FAILS ME, said the computer engineer.
(5) “Doctor, doctor, friends say I’m deluded.  I keep thinking I’m a pair of curtains.”  “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER,” said the doctor.
(6) In attempting to announce that his wife and a visiting friend would play a violin duet, the speaker’s introduction came out thus, “My friend, John will now come up to the platform and fiddle with my wife.”

(7) When a man comes to die, no matter what his talents, influence and genius, if he DIES UNLOVED, his life must be a failure to him and his dying a cold horror.  we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world.  When a man dies ——- if he has wealth and influence and power and all the vestments that arouse envy, and after the living take stock of the dead man’s property and his eminence and monuments ——- the question is still there : Was his life good or evil ?  Was he loved or hated ?  Is his death felt as a loss or does a kind of joy come out of it ?
(8) “What is your profession?” asked the cannibal chief.  “I’m the editor of the city paper,” replied the captive.  “Good,” said the cannibal chief, “Tomorrow, you will be EDITOR-IN-CHIEF.”
(9) Panhandler : :”Actually, I’m an author.  I wrote a book titled 100 WAYS TO EARN MONEY.”  Businessman : “Then why are you begging ?”  Panhandler : “It’s one of the ways.”

(10) A kangaroo visited a psychiatrist and complained, “I don’t know, doctor, I just don’t feel jumpy anymore.”

(11) The mice are having a party.  The English mouse retires early, saying, “I’ll finish my whisky and call it a day.”  The French moue says, ” I’ll just have a cognac, and take my mousetress to bed.”  The German mouse downs his beer and says, “Now I must have a meeting with my mausfrau.  But, the Polish mouse proclaims, “I will have a vodka and then I’ll have another vodka and then another vodka and then BRING ON THE CAT.”
(12) What’s the difference between a FINE and a TAX ?  A FINE is a tax for doing wrong; a TAX is a fine for doing well.
(13) What’s the difference between a fat lady and an old maid?  the fat lady is TRYING TO DIET and the old maid is DYING TO TRY IT. 

(14) Tunes for certain ailments :
(a) ASTHMA : You take my breath away;
(b) PSYCHOSIS : Dangerous;
(c) CONSTIPATION : I want to break free;
(d) DIABETES : Sweet dreams are made of these;
(e) ATHRITIS : Walk like an Egyptian.

(15) How’s Business ? ——-
(a) Classical Singer : From ragas to riches;
(b) Tailor : On the mend;
(c) Gambler : Dicey;
(d) Airman : Soaring;
(e) Gym Instructor : Taking shape ;
(f) Wine Merchant : Brewing up;
(g) Psychiatrist : Crazy, Crazy;
(h) Fashion Model : Trendy;
(I) Launderer : Dyeing;
(j) Clergyman : Heavenly. 
(16) Discipline without Freedom is TYRANNY ; Freedom without Discipline is CHAOS.

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