(1) Character is not so much taught, as it is caught, and whatever the child is exposed to in the family, helps to mould the character.
(2) A diplomat is a guy who always remembers a woman’s birthday, but never her age.
(3) Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.
(4) Insanity is hereditary, you can get from your child.
(5) A conceited man never reaches anywhere, because he thinks he is already there.
(6) The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.
(7) Some people change their ways when they see the light ; others when they feel the heat.
(8) The higher you get in the evening, the lower you feel in the morning.
(9) The guy whose troubles are all behind him, is probably a school bus driver.
(10) Ulcers are contagious, you can get them from your boss.
(11) Look on the world as a big fruit cake —– it wouldn’t be complete without a few nuts in it.
(12) It takes two to make a quarrel and three to make it interesting.
(13) Everybody in favour of birth-control has already been born.
(14) A sleep-walker is the only one who gets his rest and exercise at the same time.
(15) HEAVEN is living in Indonesia, on an American salary, with an Indian wife, eating Chinese food. HELL is living in China, on an Indian salary, with an American wife, eating Indonesian food.
(16) A traffic sign read : ‘School Zone’ — don’t kill a child. Beneath that someone added, ‘Wait for a teacher.’
(17) You know it’s time to diet when you push away from the table and THE TABLE MOVES.
(18) What would be the name of the movie based on the Jain Diary ? HAWALA SE HAWALAT TAK.
(19) A Professor, who was standing outside a noisy class, banged on the door and shouted, “Gentlemen, order.” The whole class responded : “Beer, Whisky, Gin…….”
(20) Secrets are edged tools, and must be kept from CHILDREN & FOOLS.
(21) Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women ? When it’s time to go back to his childhood, HE’S ALREADY THERE.
(22) Scrupulous people are not suited for great affairs.
(23) Russian Proverb : SPRING is a VIRGIN, SUMMER is a MOTHER, AUTUMN is a WIDOW, WINTER a STEP-MOTHER.
(24) Practical Prayers :
(a) GARDENER : Lord, germinate my precious seeds ; More rapidly than all the weeds.
(b) CREDIT-CARD USER : Stop me quickly, Lord, I pray; From spending more than I can pay.
(c) PASTOR : Make my preaching, Lord, proficient ; But stop me when I’ve said sufficient.
(25) What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly.
(26) What should we call Archimedes who ran out of his tub shouting ‘Eureka’ ? RAN – GEELA.
(27) If you think you are beaten — you are ; If you think you dare not — you don’t ; If you like to win, but you think you can’t —— it is almost certain you won’t.
(28) Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man ‘who thinks he can.’
(29) What is the height of dumbness ? A teenager assuming that the English Channel is the one on which they show English movies.
(30) SECULARISM is workable only in Heaven, where it isn’t needed, and in Hell, where they’ve already got it.