(1) Classified Classics :
(a) Wanted-To-Buy —- Hearing Aid. Dial 555-4601. Let it ring long and strong. Then shout.
(b) Available —- PUPPIES. Mother St. Bernard —– Father very remarkable Cocker Spaniel.
(c) In a shopping guide — Wanted : One grandma in exchange for room and board. Must be experienced in hugging.
(d) Found — Full set of dentures. Owner may claim by explaining how they got in my strawberry patch.
(e) Notice — The Absent-Minded Association will have its monthly meeting at
(f) Personal Ad. in Toronto Globe and Mail — The Moores wish to announce that they have paid off their mortgage. While not ungrateful for the financial assistance rendered by their erstwhile mortgagees, nor for the service and advice of the mortgagee’s financial agents, they do, nevertheless, wish to inform the senior officers of the two companies that they may now jump into the coldest, deepest and muddiest parts of lakes Winnipeg and Ontario respectively.
(2) Feline Fetish :
Dezso Szomory, a brilliant but eccentric and misanthropic Hungarian writer, had little time for human beings, but loved and respected his cats. When he returned home, one night, he found one of them sitting on a sheet of paper he had placed on his desk preparatory to writing. So, he wrote around it.
(3) A farmer announced that he and his girlfriend were engaged. People asked if they had set a wedding date. He replied, “Some time between the wheat and the beans.”
(4) The six restaurant tables were full. 30 people had to be served at once, and 10 of them were teenage boys, all of whom ordered banana splits and milk shakes. When the boys left, the owner went to clear the table, she found that all the plates and glasses had been pushed to the sides, and down the length of the double table a huge message, “THANKS”, had been spelt out in knives, forks and coins.
(5) Mistaken Identity : Every US Second Lady knows how Barbara Bush felt the night she and the then vice-president greeted guests at the Swedish Embassy in Washington. Three guests, in particular, stood out. One looked surprised and said, “Who are you ?” Mrs. Bush relates. “Another person smiled with great recognition and said, “Well, HELLO, Mrs. Schultz. But the person I like best of all took my hand, held it warmly and said, “Welcome to our country.”
(6) A great man, Sir William Osler, would make the grand rounds of a hospital, followed by a troop of admiring acolytes. Sometimes, he would stop at a bed, examine a patient, and then scribble on the chart the initials “G.O.K”. Later, one of the students was bold enough to ask the distinguished physician what “G.O.K” stood for. Osler, with a smile and a shrug, replied, “God Only Knows.”
(7) At a weekly weight-loss meeting, a guest speaker was lecturing on the hardships of appetite control. “We’re surrounded by temptation,” she said. “Just look at all the restaurants displaying pizza, chicken, doughnuts and ice-cream. What do you call that ?” she concluded, banging on the table. A voice from the back was quick to respond :”PARADISE.”
(8) If Elected :
(a) Democracy is a system that gives people a chance to eject rascals of their own.
(b) A successful politician is someone who can stand on a fence and make people believe it’s a platform.
(c) Crime must pay or so many politicians wouldn’t be seeking re-election.
(9) A woman who loves chocolates ,was given a big box, wrapped in the paper of a famous chocolate firm. She said to her husband, “You’ve got to save me from myself. Put it in the freezer.” Six months later, she had an urge for chocolates. “Please,” she said to her husband, “get the chocolates out of the freezer. I’ve got to have some.” Her husband went to the freezer, got the gift-wrapped package and handed it to her. When she opened it, she found a book, FROZEN STIFF.
(10) A guest woke up everyone in a hotel screaming, “It’s in the phone book ! It’s in the phone book !” The manager got the house detective, and they let themselves into the man’s room, where they found him in the middle of a nightmare. “I was having a horrible dream,” the man explained, when awakened. “I dreamt the income-tax people wanted to send me a big refund, but they’d lost my address.